Remix - Hayden & I

Updated: Feb 1, 2021

Hayden and I,

The other one, the one they call Hayden, is the one that they know.

I sometimes go for a walk, I stop on the bridge over the creek to watch the ducklings, they look happy, I do not feel that type of peace, but I see it in Hayden's face. I recognize Hayden from seeing her on the street, she is often walking, but I do not know where she came from, and I do not know where she is going. But she walks with confidence, and speaks in elegant ways, but she is understood by everyone. She does not feel nervous, I am nervous.

Our relationship is not a good one, I feel hostility when I look at her, or when she looks at me. I avoid confrontation I try to live, go about my day doing what I know is going to happen; but somehow I continue to run into Hayden, she is sketching away, she is staring at me, and somehow her sketching affects me inwardly.

I will admit that some of her sketches make me feel good, but I always attempts to not let her have influence over me. These feelings of enjoyment she comes up with, she does not own, she cannot transcend them onto me, these feelings belong to the world itself and only that. She lives in an unrealistic fantasy world.

Moment by moment, I feel Hayden's influence over me more, my inner morbidity is decreasing, only pieces of this cynicism will survive if I am exposed to her much longer. I am aware of her nature to see things in a rose colored lens and falsify the impending doom of our surroundings.

Spinoza knew that all things long to persist in their being; the stone eternally wants to be a stone and a tiger a tiger.

I am becoming more and more absorbed into Hayden, even if I resist. I recognize myself in her sketches more than in those of others, or in the mundane pages of novels. Many times ago, I tried to free myself from her pages, I went from the lore of the city to the party with time and infinity, but those parties belong to Hayden and now I have to imagine other things. I think I am a human, but I do not know if she is a human. Hopefully this will come to light with time.

In the end, my life is an affray and I lose everything and everything belongs to the endless oblivion, or it belongs to her.

All of this is true &

I do not know which one of us is responsible for this situation,

or for writing this now.

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